I came out to myself, about 4 years ago, I sat up in bed and proclaimed, to myself, to anybody around, I’m not supposed to be a man, I’m supposed to be a woman.
Well, we now take that further. Following on from a trip to a gay club, a small village festival with a punk band featuring a crossdressing singer, a trip to an art gallery and a grs appointment.
I am not enamoured by England’s though perhaps more specifically by Great Britian’s moral code, it’s got very little to do with me.
I enjoyed myself and enjoyed being myself, leading to me turning this transgender thing on it’s head. It is not my gender dysphoria that is a problem, I know who I am, no, it is society’s gender insecurity that is the problem.
In the small village pub, I stood out clearly from the locals, I used the loo and was confronted by a shocked guy who then said “sorry, your dress shocked me”, he left and all was amicable enough, What was I wearing? Colourful trousers with leaf and flower patterns on, a black unshaped band t-shirt, I had red shoes, loafers you might call them, foot socks, as with tights material, and I had my hair in bunches. It was at this moment it struck me that I would be more scared of using the ladies loos as opposed to the mens loos, men just arn’t as aggressive or reactionary as women.
I went to a gay club, it was cute and kitsch which I liked. It was not serious, heady or steamy, or lurid… well, they did have a caged area and a pole to dance around/on ah well, if that’s what people enjoy.
I went to an art gallery, yes, an art gallery, and what did this do? I posed, lying on the ground, like a figure in one of the pictures (It was a beach painting), I then took a photo of myself by a painting of Jesus and captioned the picture “Always look on the bright side of life”, a few days later that sank in and not that I am personally distraught over having done this, but how do I live in a community, where the church is around and I get on with the church people to some degree, and I have no big problems with the church, not that some of my friends would approve, the church has dropped in favour and many of my peers are athiests, but I just have no hang up with the Christian community which I encounter, they are friendly people who try to build community, and they’ve never asked me if I believe in God or Jesus, but I know it’s a loose friendship, I wonder how they see it…
I have a grs appointment, anybody who wishes to undergo Gender Reassignment surgery knows that acronym I’m guessing. Going into work after that, after that official letter of appointment, I saw the world differently, I understood who I am and what I want, because for the first time in my life I felt like I had a choice, I felt like I had freedom of my own thoughts and I am clear, I want to live as female.
Now a kicker, I want to be a TransWoman, because that’s what I am, I do not especially wish to ally myself emphatically with women, because they have a different path, but also, they clearly have no heart, no empathy, I cannot imagine I’ll ever “Pass” and I wrote a song, “F.Passing”, but I do wish to be accepted, I still do not know if that is just a pipe dream, in 1976, when my elder sister wore pink pedal pushers & I wanted to wear them, a lot of what is accepted today was just a pipe dream, I am a monster, no more than you are, no more than all those normal cis people, the people who murder, the people who torture, the people who raise childern, the people who live thier lives and are allowed to make choices, I am allowed to make choices too and I want retail to start marketing to me, to recognise me, I’m not alone and many Transgender people would make a good market, for companies that want to make money, I see no companies wnating to make money, they only wish to impose doctrine, which at most is sad knee jerk reaction to the war, hell, hitler won the war, we are an intollerant society, who believe that women must be allowed freedom, but that men must be men.