Romantisising suicide

I used to suffer depression. I’ve not been depressed for a while. For me I turned 40 and came out to myself about how I feel… I feel like I’m supposed to be a woman.

A lot of my feelings are just on the psychological side.

I feel like my testosterone levels dropped as well.

I used to not be able to concentrate, but that has improved, my head has less “noise” in it now.

Did I ever want to commit suicide? I don’t know.

I identified a lot with Marvin the paranoid android!

I went to the Red Dwarf forums and signed up with the username ParanoidAndroid… or some such, truth is I went back, but just failed to identify with the old me! 😮

I do remember joking about suicide. One of my most used lines was “Life is death”. I liked the Pixies song lyrics, “Cease to exist, giving my goodbyes, drive my car, into the ocean”

I would think about suicide, but it was in a very romanticised way.

Thing is, the only way I can describe how I feel about my gender is to say “I’m a boy who’s a girl”.

This is very difficult to find represented in society, and all the transexuals, all the gays, I mean I identify more with the trans notion than the gay notion.

The only way a lot of my trying to imagine me explaining how I feel ends in a dead end, ie- The only way for me to win would be for me to commit suicide, because I’m not allowed to be me.

Even now, I’m so bouyed up with feelings of elation, and yet I still get to that point, where my freedom of expression is restricted, that it feels inevitable to fail to consider going on, and suicide is a more logical conclusion.

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