Babies – Imaginer Menu

Babies Babies

Nina sits in her living room; a baby in a baby rocker/chair down at her feet. baby is doing poops. Baby has screwed up reddened face.

Nina: Aw is Baby Ryan doing a poopy doopy!

Next door neighbour; Janice walks in & gives a curious look. Nina is a little embarrassed.

Janice: Too much baby time I see

Janice smiles disarmingly.


Babies have a habit of changing our lives. A habit of changing who we are. They make us look at ourselves differently. We look upon them knowing that we were once that young small & vulnerable. We look at them knowing that one day they’ll grow up & think themselves oh so clever & that they’ll be full of verve and gusto wanting to prove that they are the greatest 🙂

Here in England we have a little circus; a support network of Mid-wives & maternity units & health visitors, all under the umbrella of the NHS, that wonderful legacy of the 1950’s Labour government, that NHS that is always under pressure to cut costs whilst at the same time deliver 1st class health care. The NHS healthier in London possesses a slightly off-hand, we’re taking charge, you’re in & now you will go here, then you will do this and then go there & then do the other! Still who would fault the team that brought their baby into this world healthily and smoothly? Me! Pompous know it all control freaks. Moving on; we have a mid wife, a gentleman who is knowledgeable and thorough, chirpy and a touch overbearing. Then the horror of horrors! The health visitor! Well with our first son, born in Cambridgeshire, we didn’t meet any health visitor. The last time I’d heard the term Health visitor was when my older brother had a string of kids at a young age & he & his partner weren’t coping well! The health visitor arrived un-announced, parked awkwardly & wanted to know if we had any dubious foreign diseases due to my wife being Asian! My wife was born in Barnet! I astounded the health visitor by being supportive to my wife & by taking the crying baby, quieting him! The health visitor seemed to determine that my wife & I “went at it like rabbits” & as such offered us an endless array of contraception, the likes of such, I’d not really dreamed about (I’d tried not to think of such things perhaps a truer statement). There’s injections that can give you unsightly lumps, implants! how erotic! I wouldn’t dare to go near this new cyborg of a wife, perhaps the disgust factor is the measure of success for this society’s odd take on contraception!

The Baby Ryan adventures!

Baby Ryan & the tale of the lost rainbow dummy

Baby Ryan a tale of two parents

Super Baby Ryan, he’s here to save the day Super Baby Ryan, our rescuer’s on his way! Baby Ryan! The greatest super baby of them all… ever! … bar none!

Baby Ryan slips out of his KangaRocka, rolls across the floor commando style & surreptitiously is sick in his mum’s shoe! In walks Dad, realising Baby Ryan’s on the loose & exclaiming imperatives;

Baby Ryan must always be strapped in securely Baby Ryan should not be left alone Baby Ryan… Well Baby Ryan, Adventure Baby will always find a way.

Baby Ryan and the legend of the lost Booby!

Ryan felt himself picked up;

“Ooh Booby time” was his thought. But try as he might, no matter how much sucky face & swift head side to side movements he made, there was no booby to be found!

It was then he was to hear the monotonous tone of the man with the M on his head & the big nose bone, Fidget swivel squelchy bum & the curious sound of poppers undone, all at once, all began to sense, the curious smell of the nappy change!

Baby Metal!


Teat seeker!

& I’m a teat seeker! Screaming down the house & I’m a Teat seeker I just need someone to hold me I just need someone to feed me now!

Babies want more

We care a lot!

We care a lot, about the baby nappies, infacol & vests We care a lot, about the tumble dryer’ll shrink & stretch the baby vests We care a lot about the people, we care a lot about you We care a lot about the people who coo & whee & gleen Oh how much about our life our thoughts our dreams the NAPPY CHANGE! Oh it’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it Oh it’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it

Out of nowhere

She looks sublime & she’s easily the best (match for me) She came into my life & caused me so much glee

But then you came from out of nowhere Wohaooo wo oh You call us your mum & your dad

They’re our names sincere Cos what names is there? Don’t know if I’ll let you cry Our’ names sincere Cos what names is there? & we hurt if you cry!!!!!!!

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